Leading
Parent Groups
Contents:
Parent
Support or Parent Education?
In some ways, there is little distinction between
parent support and parent education. Generally, these terms are used interchangeably
to refer to a group experience that includes teaching specific skills and
focuses on at least some of the following:
-
Developing greater self-awareness as parents
-
Teaching effective discipline methods
-
Improving parent-child communication
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Making family life more enjoyable
-
Imparting information on child development
Nevertheless, there are also differences between parent
education and parent support:
-
Parent education programs generally focus less on parents’
personal or individual problems than parent support programs.
-
Parent education tends to be more agenda-driven than
parent support programs.
-
Parent education aims more at conveying particular skills
and information; parent support aims more at exploring group members’ individual
situations.
-
Parent education programs tend to be time limited, typically
6-10 sessions in duration; parent support programs can continue indefinitely.
-
Parent education tends to focus on behavioral change
and imparting skills and information; parent support tends to tackle more
serious or pervasive family problems, with more of a focus on the context
in which families operate.
The approach taken in Leading Parent Groups represents
an intersection between parent education and parent support. It utilizes
the format of parent education while offering the individual emphasis and
more intensive personal exploration associated with parent support. Within
this framework, the goals of parent groups include:
-
Providing parents with opportunities to meet other parents;
-
Learning about parenting challenges specific to various
stages of family life;
-
Offering support and encouragement to parents for their
child-rearing efforts;
-
Opportunities to explore participants’ childhood experiences
so they begin to understand how early experiences as children impact the
ability to be effective with children in the present.
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Ground Rules for
Group Process
Creating
a Safe Environment
One of the main challenges in creating an effective
parent education program is establishing an environment in which there
is enough safety for parents to share openly and honestly the challenges
that they face and the struggles that they battle in rearing their children.
Part of what helps in creating safety is establishing ground rules that
protect people from criticism, unwanted advice, and judgement.
-
Ground Rules
for Listening
Everything
that is shared in meetings is treated as confidential
-
Group members must agree not to repeat to others any
of what is shared during group meetings. Group members must also agree
that after someone speaks, what they’ve shared is not up for discussion.
After someone has openly shared something personal, it can be awkward,
inappropriate, and even destructive to bring it up afterwards without their
permission. Comments like, "I know just what you’re going through" or "Let
me tell about the time I went through that" may be well intentioned, but
only make the person feel self-conscious and less willing to share openly
the next time. Group members have to accept and agree to the idea that
they may not comment on what another person says…no matter what!
Group members may not judge, criticize, or attack
other group members
-
The intention of the group is to provide a space in
which parents are free to share openly and with confidence. Parents have
all been criticized and harshly judged too many times and it has taken
an understandable but unnecessary toll on their self-esteem. To contradict
this phenomenon, it is essential to abide by this guideline. The group
leader must intervene if necessary to protect individuals.
Group members may not give advice, analyze,
or interpret what others share
-
Each of us is fully capable of handling our own lives
and solving our own problems if provided with enough support, good information,
and an opportunity to think things through while being listened to with
respect. However well intentioned, group members must avoid dispensing
advice or otherwise trying to tell someone else how to live their life.
Emotional release is permitted, encouraged,
and recognized as a good thing
-
Parenting is demanding and frustrating. We’ve all made
mistakes, faced hard times, been deeply disappointed, and felt badly about
not being able to fulfill our parenting goals. To overcome these difficulties,
it is healthy and necessary for parents to have a time when their feelings
don’t have to be put on hold. If they are to "get back on the horse" of
child rearing and if they are to continue parenting with open heart and
full energy, they need opportunities to cry about past failures, rage about
the injustices they’ve faced, and laugh about the embarrassing and scary
moments they’ve encountered. It is important that the group leader establish
an atmosphere in which people feel free to show their feelings, unafraid
of ridicule or judgement.
Everyone gets an equal share of speaking time
-
Some parents have a tendency to be quiet in a group
and hold back from actively participating, even though their minds may
be completely engaged. Other parents have a tendency to dominate group
discussion even if they have nothing significant to contribute. If the
group is to offer safety to everyone, it is essential to establish the
idea that each member gets an equal opportunity to speak. This means
that at each point in the meeting (Opening Circle, Week-in-Review, etc.)
group members get an equal chance to express themselves. There may be times
when everyone takes a turn but some take longer turns than others. There
may also be times when everyone takes precisely the same length of time
by using a timer to monitor each turn. The group leader needs to exercise
some judgement in terms of how flexible to be in this regard, given the
dynamics of the specific group they’re leading.
When others are speaking, group members listen
with attention and respect
-
In creating safety, it makes an enormous difference
when we can tell that others are interested in what we’re saying. As group
members learn to listen with close attention, conveying respect but refraining
from comment, group members will feel increasingly comfortable in sharing.
The leader needs to model receptive listening because individuals may initially
feel more comfortable speaking to the leader even though the entire group
is paying attention. As group members learn from the model set by the leader,
the level of group attention will improve and the level of honesty in what
each member shares will increase.
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Meeting Structure:
The Framework
Opening
Circle
10 minutes
Week-in-Review
10 minutes / 1½-hour
meeting
15 minutes / 2-hour meeting
Presentation
/ Speakers / Information-Sharing
30 minutes / 1½-hour
meeting
40 minutes / 2-hour meeting
Reflection
Circle
20 minutes / 1½-hour
meeting
30 minutes / 2-hour meeting
Questions-and-Answers
/ Group Discussion
10 minutes / 1½-hour
meeting
15 minutes / 2-hour meeting
Closing
Circle
10 minutes
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Meeting Structure:
The Details
When people come into a meeting, they bring with
them all of the distractions and tensions they’re currently struggling
with…whether as parent, in particular, or as person, in general. While
these distractions and tensions need to be acknowledged and dealt with,
at the start of a meeting the goal is to put them aside so that people
are ready and able to learn and participate fully.
Although it sometimes feels unlikely, it is possible
to pull attention away from the daily stresses and strains of life in order
to focus on something else. One way to do this is to focus attention away
from distressing or discouraging concerns and focus instead on the pleasant
reality of the present situation. With this in mind, the Opening Circle
represents an opportunity for each group member to share something positive
that points to all that is going well and growing in their life.
Here are examples of questions that can be posed
in an Opening Circle…
-
What’s something that’s new and good in your life since
last we met?
This is often referred to as a "New and Good" circle
in which each person reports a weekly "new and good." In many groups, it
is sufficient to simply ask this question at the start of every meeting,
rather than trying to come up with something more clever or complicated.
The question is general enough that everyone can come up with a response
and open-ended enough that it doesn’t create too much pressure to come
up with just the right answer.
For variety’s sake, the following are other kinds
of questions that can be posed…
-
What’s something that has gone well in your family this
past week?
-
How have you implemented some of what you learned at
our last meeting?
-
What has particularly stuck with you or been helpful
from our last meeting?
-
What’s one reason you’re glad you managed to get here
tonight?
Group members need a chance to get comfortable
with the idea of an Opening Circle in which they’re expected to say something
in a positive direction. During the initial meetings, some parents will
be hard-pressed to think of anything positive to say. The group leader
needs to be quite firm (but respectful and maintaining a sense of humor)
about insisting that everyone come up with something. At the same time,
it’s important to remind participants that what they come up with need
not be of critical importance. A simple "new and good" will do just fine.
Sometimes just managing to get to the meeting is a huge accomplishment
and parents need to be appreciated for that effort. As time goes on, participants
will report increasingly significant "news and goods" and will look forward
to fulfilling the expectation of reporting in to the group.
While some group members may initially have a hard
time coming up with an appropriate response, it is important that the group
leader not give in to the pull to report something negative instead. Group
members can be assured that they’ll have a chance to talk about all the
bad stuff shortly (during the Week-in-Review). However, at this point,
what is important is to put that aside and really search for something
of a positive nature to report. Again, the response can be something as
simple as, "I managed to get here tonight" or "I got the grocery shopping
done" or "I got my son to clean up his room" or "I’m reading a good book."
Giving some examples may make it easier for the reluctant parent to come
up with something.
Having used the Opening Circle to focus the group’s
attention on what’s going well, the Week-in-Review provides an opportunity
for each group member to talk about any difficulties they’re facing. The
group breaks into listening pairs and each member of the pair has five
minutes in which to review the little upsets they encountered during the
week, the big upsets, the challenges they’re worried about, and anything
else that’s pulling at their attention. During each person’s turn it is
of critical importance that the listener refrain from commenting, agreeing,
disagreeing, consoling, criticizing, or distracting the speaker. The speaker
needs to be listened to with respect and caring, but without response from
the listener. While group members may find this a bit awkward at the start,
in time they will come to appreciate the benefits of being listened to
without comment. And as they come to appreciate this during their turn
as speaker, they’ll be increasingly willing and able to incorporate this
guideline as listener. (For more information, see Ground Rules for Listening.)
It is useful if the group leader encourages people
to pair with different people each week as a way of developing relationships
among the group. If there is an odd number of group members, it’s fine
for the group leader to participate in a listening pair so that everyone
has a partner. In this case, it is important that the group leader take
a turn as listener and as speaker so as not to create an artificial
barrier between group members and the group leader.
If group members can’t figure out what to talk about
on their own, they might want to address some of the following questions…
-
What’s gone well this past week?
-
What’s pulling at your attention as you arrived this
evening?
-
What little upsets occurred? Explain in detail.
-
What big upsets occurred? Explain in detail.
-
What are the big challenges you’re currently struggling
with in the family?
-
Presentation
/ Speakers / Information-Sharing
Most parent groups follow a schedule of weekly
themes or a set curriculum. Other groups are more casual, allowing group
members to set the agenda of each meeting. In either case, group leaders
should add additional themes or otherwise alter the curriculum to suit
the interests of a particular group of parents. For example, if a particular
topic leads to enthusiastic and valuable discussion and personal sharing,
it’s often better to continue on that same topic the following week rather
than rigidly moving on with the weekly schedule.
Some discussion topics may be better presented under
the direction of the group leader, rather than a guest speaker. Where this
is the case, the group leader should make sure to keep the presentation
brief, recognizing that people can only take in a certain amount of information
before becoming bored or overwhelmed. Whenever possible, handouts should
be provided to supplement the presentation.
Some themes may be better tackled by giving the group
an article or a handout at the end of one meeting with instructions to
read it before the next meeting. At the subsequent meeting, the group leader
can summarize the article or ask group members to do so, followed by a
Reflection Circle and Group Discussion. In this format, the group works
together as they cover the material and it takes some of the responsibility
off of the group leader. Rather than relying on the leader to provide ‘expert
opinion,’ this format encourages the group to think together, to recognize
their ability to grapple with complicated issues, and to use the group
leader as a resource and support person rather than as an expert. This
approach keeps the learning process active and contradicts old feelings
about school that may come up for group members if they feel like passive
students in the face of a teacher who represents authority and the ‘sole
bearer of knowledge.’
In selecting guest speakers, care should be exercised
to find speakers who will not lecture at the group, but rather
engage the group in discussion and dialogue. Speakers should be told in
advance precisely how much time they’ll have on the agenda. It is the responsibility
of the group leader to make sure that this time frame is respected. Speakers
should allow sufficient opportunity for questions and discussion so that
beyond the general information they present, there is time for the particular
concerns of the group members to be adequately addressed. Speakers should
be encouraged to provide handouts that summarize or augment their presentation.
The Reflection Circle provides an opportunity for
group members to think about the individual or personal implications of
each topic. During the Reflection Circle the same guidelines for listening
are maintained as during the rest of the meeting. Each person has a chance
to respond to a series of questions aimed at helping them think about how
the topic under discussion impacts their parenting, their view of their
children, the relationships within their family, and so on. Because the
intent is to provide each person with an opportunity to examine their individual
situation, there is no need for group discussion or comment. Indeed, because
the goal is for each person to consider the topic from their unique vantage
point, group feedback would only serve to confuse or derail their independent
thinking.
One benefit of the Reflection Circle format is that
it allows people to learn from each other without putting the focus on
that fact. While each person responds to a question, everyone else listens
with respect but without commenting or giving feedback. Because of this
structure, the listeners can simply relax and pay attention to the speaker
and learn from what they say. This turns out to be much more effective
than asking people to share experiences for the purpose of giving advice.
In advice-giving, the focus is on the person seeking guidance. In a Reflection
Circle, the focus is on the person sharing their experiences. Without effort,
the listeners will garner guidance, encouragement, inspiration, and reassurance
from what they hear, without having to be seen or treated as someone with
a problem to be solved.
Another benefit of the Reflection Circle is that
it encourages each speaker to develop their own thinking. Given the opportunity
to be listened to with respect, group members become increasingly adept
at solving their own problems, constructing their own solutions, and understanding
their own situations. In the end, helping parents to trust their thinking
and to develop their problem-solving skills is more important than transmitting
information (as if the information alone will solve the problem). Parents
who feel confident and competent are better equipped to meet the challenges
facing their families. To the extent that the Reflection Circle builds
group members’ self-confidence and sense of competence by allowing them
to develop their thinking and have it respected and validated, it helps
to build the foundation upon which more effective parenting can be based.
In general, questions posed in a Reflection Circle
should get at the following…
-
How did you experience [the theme of the week] when
you were growing up? How did your parents handle it? How did you feel about
it? How were you treated as a young person in terms of [the theme of the
week]?
-
How does [the theme of the week] play out in your household
currently? Where are you able to think well and easily about it? Where
is it difficult for you to stay relaxed and confident in terms of [the
theme of the week]?
-
Questions-and-Answers
/ Group Discussion
Once everyone has had a chance to think about the
topic from their individual perspective, it is time to open up the discussion
so that group members have a chance to ask questions and gather additional
information. Caution should be exercised to insure that advice isn’t being
offered thoughtlessly (by group members or by the group leader). This is
not a time to tell people what to do—indeed, there is no such time in this
framework! Rather, it’s a time to help people clarify what they learned
and what they still need to learn.
In order to minimize the tendency to give advice
and tell people what to do, the time spent on Questions-and-Answers and
Group Discussion should be brief. Once people get used to the benefits
of a Reflection Circle (in terms of the individual intelligence that begins
to operate and the relief at being able to learn from each other without
having to receive advice) group members will feel less of a need for endless
group discussion and debate. Instead, they will use the Reflection Circle
as a time to clarify their thinking, articulate their questions, and learn
from each other. In time, they will come to appreciate that each parent
needs to construct their own solutions and that the goal of the group is
not to tell people what to do nor to offer the "right answer." Once this
idea has been internalized, the tenor of the Group Discussion will be less
aimed at solving other people’s problems, less competitive, and less judgmental
in nature.
Each meeting ends with a Closing Circle. During
the Closing Circle everyone addresses a question or two, depending upon
how much time is available. As always, each person gets an opportunity
to address the questions without comment or response by other group members.
The questions fall loosely into three categories…
-
Giving group members a chance to say what was useful
about the meeting…
SAMPLE QUESTIONS:
-
What did you like about tonight’s meeting?
-
What was the most important thing you learned tonight?
-
What is something you learned tonight that you’ll likely
share with someone after you leave?
-
What is the most important insight you got from tonight’s
meeting?
-
Providing an opportunity to appreciate the group leader
and each other…
SAMPLE QUESTIONS:
-
What’s something you like/appreciate about the person
on your left (right)?
-
What’s something you like/appreciate about the group
leader?
-
What’s something you particularly liked about what the
leader did tonight?
-
Why are you glad that the person on your left (right)
is in this group?
-
Pulling people’s attention out by focusing on something
they’re looking forward to in the coming week…
SAMPLE QUESTIONS:
-
What’s something you’re looking forward to?
-
What’s one way you intend to incorporate what you learned
tonight in the coming week?
-
What’s something fun you’re looking forward to?
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Resources
Active Parenting
Active Parenting, Inc.
810 Franklin Court, Suite B
Marietta, GA 30067-9085
(800)825-0060
Programs available both in video and video-discussion
formats. Kits contain VHS videocassettes, workbooks, handouts, and homework
assignments. There are multiple sessions in each series. Topics include
discipline, family meetings, communication, feelings, and self-esteem building.
Developing Capable People
Sunrise Inc.
P.O. Box B
Provo, Utah 84603
(800)456-7770
Materials include a Leaders Manual, Strengthening
the Family or Developing Capable People booklets (one/participant),
11 audiotapes (25-30 minutes each), and a set of transparencies. There
are 10 sessions of 2½ hours each.
A Facilitator's Guide to Working with
Single-Parent Families
Kidsrights, Inc.
3700 Progress Blvd.
Mount Dora, FL 32757
(800)982-KIDS or (904)483-1100.
Ten sessions, 2½ hours each, intended
to provide a support group environment. This is an excellent resource for
those needing information on running small groups. The manual includes
a highly recommended Process Skills Appendix, adapted with permission from
Cornell
Family Matters Communication for Empowerment, a handbook for group
facilitators by G. Vanderslice, et.al.
Getting Involved: Workshops for Parents
High/Scope Press
600 N. River St.
Ipsilanti, MI 48197
(313)485-2000
The workbook includes exercises on learning,
problem solving, reading, play, writing, math, science and television viewing.
Getting
Involved views parents as teachers and offers ideas on how parents
can help children learn. The target audience is Head Start.
It Takes A Village To Raise A Child
Adapted by the Prevention Resource Center
822 S. College
Springfield, Illinois 62704
(800)252-8951
This 10-session curriculum includes Building
Self-Esteem in Ourselves and Our Children, Introduction to Skill
Building and Communication Skills, Decision Making, Reducing
Stress in Ourselves and Our Children, Parenting and Prevention:
Attitudes Toward Alcohol and Other Drugs, and Making Family Groundrules.
Aimed at parents of 6-12 year olds, the program is sensitive to Black culture
and provides opportunities for sharing and highlighting other cultures
represented in the group. Materials include Facilitators Guidelines, Facilitation
and Presentation Skills, Planning and Promoting the Program, Program Mission
and Philosophy, and an Overview of Goals and Objectives.
Preparing for the Drug (Free) Years
P.O. Box 85476
Seattle, WA 98145
(206)781-0707
Video/discussion/activity format in five
sessions. Topics cover drug abuse prevention in a family, setting family
drug policies, saying ‘no’ to drugs, handling family conflicts, and strengthening
family bonds. The target audience is parents of 10-12 year olds. Training
is required and materials must be purchased if you want to lead the program
by name and use their materials.
STAR Parents (Student Training for Achieving
Responsibility)
Skylight Publishing, Inc.
200 E. Wood St., Suite 250
Palatine. IL 0067
(800)922-4474
This book for parents of kindergarteners
through 12th graders is used to accompany the STAR Programs offered through
schools. A Leaders Manual is available. The program provides activities
for families to do together to improve communication, make healthy choices
about food and exercise, cope with stress, say ‘no’ to drugs, and set family
policies.
Systematic Training For Effective Parenting
(STEP)
American Guidance Service (AGS)
Publishers Building
Circle Pines, MN 55014-1796
Also available: PECES (in Spanish),
STEP/Teen,
and The Next STEP
The kit contains five cassette capes,
five charts, 25 flyers, two discussion guide cards, order forms, Leaders
Manual, Parent's Handbook, spiral bound poster set, AGS catalog and STEP
publicity brochure. The STEP approach targets parents of preschoolers through
middle-school students. It is a very popular training course.
-
Materials Ordering
Information
Americans for a Drug Free America
American Crisis Publishing, Inc.
3800 Hudson Bend Road, Suite 2
Austin, TX 78734
(512)266-2485
$2.75 each/$2.65 if ordering 50-400
A Parents Guide to Drug Abuse, Prevention, and
Treatment
Senior Vice President, Corporate Development
7300 Corporate Center Drive
Miami, FL 33126-1208
(305)768-8982
order up to 400 copies free
Families in Touch Booklets (by Joanne Koch)
Parents InTouch Project
343 Dodge Avenue
Evanston, IL 60202
(847)864-5660
$10/set of two booklets. Sets are age-keyed (5-7;
8-10; 11-15). One booklet for parents; one for parents and children to
read together. Discount for orders over 1000. Student Journals also available.
Teacher's Guide free with every 30 journals ordered.
Listening to Children (by Patty Wipfler)
Parents Leadership
Institute
P.O. Box 50492
Palo Alto, CA 94303
(650)322-5323
set of six pamphlets; $7/set; 20 or more, $5.75
each
Listening Partnerships for Parents (by Patty
Wipfler)
Parents Leadership
Institute
P.O. Box 50492
Palo Alto, CA 94303
(650)322-5323
$3 each; 20 or more, $2.50 each
They Do as You Do Brochures and Posters
Prevention Resource Center
822 College
Springfield, IL 62704
available at no cost to Illinois residents
-
Video Ordering
Information
Calling the Shots (by Jean Kilbourne)
Cambridge Documentary Films
P.O. Box 385
Cambridge, MA 02139
(617)354-3677
$680/VHS video
Available in IL on loan basis from Prevention Resource
Center:
822 S. College
Springfield, IL 62704
(800)252-8951, extension 2
Communicating and The Touch Film (by Jessie
Potter)
Kinetic Films
255 Delaware Avenue, Suite 340
Buffalo, NY 14202
(800) 466-7631
$450/VHS video; $795 for both films, if ordered
together
PlayListening (by Patty Wipfler)
Parents Leadership
Institute
P.O. Box 50492
Palo Alto, CA 94303
(650)322-5323
$55/video
The Power of Choice: Self Esteem (Elkind and
Sweet Communications, Inc.)
Available through:
Live Wire Video Publishers
3315 Sacramento St.
San Francisco, CA 94118
(415)564-9500
Setting Limits (by Patty Wipfler)
Parents Leadership
Institute
P.O. Box 50492
Palo Alto, CA 94303
(650)322-5323
$55/video
©
Randi B. Wolfe, Ph.D.
Chicago,
IL
June, 2000
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