I. Working assumptions about parents and parenting
A. Parents deeply love their children and try hard and unendingly to do their best by them
B. Every generation moves things ahead for the next generation of children
C. No parent can fully succeed at parenting, given the obstacles we face
1. The obstacles we face are societal, not personal
II. Goals of parenting and family life
A. Develop close, trusting relationships that can endure over time
B. Provide a perspective of the world until they collect the information and experience to develop their own perspective
C. To provide the emotional support necessary to heal from hurts that happen along the way (as opposed to providing a perfect childhood)
III. Understanding the oppression of parents
A. Exhaustion
1. Taken for granted; takes its toll on us and our children
B. Isolation
1. Our problems are ours alone; there’s no help unless you fail…maybe!
C. No economic compensation
1. No paid leave, no workplace support to take advantage
of family-friendly policies (especially for fathers)
2. Lack of economic compensation forces other decisions
a. Mothers returning to work too soon; sending sick children to school; not having sufficient time to bond and launch the family when a child arrives
D. No respect or recognition
1. Parents internalize this attitude and forget how hard we work, how endlessly we try, and how important/what a priority are our children
a.. We take out our frustrations and exhaustion on our children/spouses (divorce rates, in part, reflect the oppression of parents…there’s no time or attention to keep the family functioning
E. Additional oppressions are only faced by particular groups of parents
1. Racism, poverty, gay oppression, disability oppression, single-parenthood, anti-Semitism, etc.
IV. In the face of parents oppression…
A. Parents don't need:
1. To be guilt-tripped or made to feel incompetent or inadequate
2. An idyllic, but totally unachievable, model of perfection
3. Goal of family life as achieving peace and harmony
4. Underlying assumptions denigrating the reality of family life
5. Pat responses to complex and individual struggles
B. Parents do need:
1. Reassurance, appreciation, recognition, and rest
2. Contradiction to the isolation of parenting and feeling that the problems are theirs alone
3. Actual help with the work of child-rearing
4. Common sense approach: based on how things are, not how the 'experts' say they should be
5. Space to think through challenges, strategize solutions, reflect, reevaluate
© Randi B. Wolfe
Skokie, IL
June, 2001