I. Working assumptions about parents and parenting
A. Parents deeply love their children and try hard and unendingly to do their best by them
B. Every generation moves things ahead for the next generation of children
C. No parent can fully succeed at parenting, given the obstacles we face
1. The obstacles we face are societal, not personal
II. Goals of parenting and family life
A. Develop close, trusting relationships that can endure over time
B. Provide a perspective of the world until they collect the information and experience to develop their own perspective
C. To provide the emotional support necessary to heal from hurts that happen along the way (as opposed to providing a perfect childhood)
III. Understanding the oppression of parents
A. Exhaustion
1. Taken for granted; takes its toll on us and our children
B. Isolation
1. Our problems are ours alone; there’s no help unless you fail…maybe!
C. No economic compensation
1. No paid leave, no workplace support to take advantage of family-friendly policies (especially for fathers)
D. Forces other decisions
1. Mothers returning to work too soon; sending sick children to school; not having sufficient time to bond and launch the family when a child arrives
E. No respect or recognition
1. Parents internalize this attitude and forget how hard we work, how endlessly we try, and how important/what a priority are our children
2. We take out our frustrations and exhaustion on our children/spouses (divorce rates, in part, reflect the oppression of parents…there’s no time or attention to keep the family functioning)
F. Additional oppressions are only faced by particular groups of parents
1. Racism, poverty, gay oppression, disability opp., single-parenthood
IV. In the face of parents oppression…
A. Parents don't need:
1. To be guilt-tripped or made to feel incompetent or inadequate
2. An idyllic, but totally unachievable, model of perfection
a. goal of family life as achieving peace and harmony
b. underlying assumptions denigrating the reality of family life
c. pat responses to complex and individual struggles
B. Parents do need:
1. Reassurance, appreciation, recognition, and rest
2. Contradiction to the isolation of parenting and feeling that the problems are theirs alone
3. Actual help with the work of child-rearing
4. Common sense approach: based on how things really are, not how the 'experts' say they should be
5. Space to think through challenges, strategize solutions, reflect, reevaluate
V. Challenging the oppression of parents (and families)
A. Our struggles and successes are individually earned
1. U.S. myth of individualism: If we just try hard enough and play by the rules, all will be well...just, equitable, reasonable
2. Poverty is not an individual failure; affluence is not an individual accomplishment
a. My children were born into advantage through no effort of their own
b. They reap the benefits and advantages of being middle class and the children of educated parents as a birthright
3. Being black or Latino or Asian is not an individual failure; being white is not an individual accomplishment
a. My children will have advantages in the job market solely on the basis of their skin color
b. My children will be treated with respect on assumption; they don’t have to earn it in the way that people of color must
B. The lack of family policies and cultural priorities about families and children are leading to all kinds of social problems and we continue to blame it on the shortcomings of individual parents
- ADD/ADHD
- Teenage depression and eating disorders (New Trier High School)
- Bizarre acts of violence in the schools
- Increasing youth violence, drug abuse, premature sexuality, premature
parenthood (rates among white girls are now what they were among black
girls 30 years ago)
- Even those of us who are supposedly "winning" by the rules are losing
(Sears day care center)
C. We MUST begin to challenge the picture!
1. It’s no longer good enough to look out for our children or our communities
a. Our children will be surrounded by the children who are failing in school and acting out their rage against society
b. It is in the best interests of our children to address these issues from a systemic perspective and to demand that they be addressed
2. We must begin to fight for the rights of ALL families to thrive!
a. Parents liberation--and the liberation of young people--is a larger undertaking than simply improving the lives of individual parents and children (we can’t fool ourselves about this any longer)
b. The nature of the oppression itself makes the battle difficult
c. But is it any more difficult than what faced African Americans at the start of the civil rights movement?